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Premaritial Sex
Alyssa and her boyfriend have been dating for a while. Alyssa has decided to avoid all the problems of premarital sex by being abstinent until she gets married. Her boyfriend hasn’t made the same choice, and they’ve been fighting about it lately. He’s starting to put more pressure on her, and while Alyssa doesn’t want to lose him, she’s determined not to compromise her values. How should she handle this situation?
Alyssa’s decision is not an easy one, but abstaining from sex is definitely the safest form of birth control and prevention of sexually transmitted diseases. There are two basic approaches she can use to hold on to her values while still keeping her boyfriend. The first approach is to set boundaries with her boyfriend. It’s a cliché, but if he truly loves her, he will be willing to talk and put a leash on his desires. This means sitting down together and talking openly about how far they are willing to go with things like touching and kissing. Since Alyssa has the stronger feelings about her limits, she will need to be very clear on how far they will both go. While it may be an awkward conversation, it’s important for both of them to be honest about their beliefs and feelings about sex.
Assuming that Alyssa and her boyfriend make a firm decision on their boundaries, they shouldn’t underestimate the power of either of their sexual urges. When two people are attracted to each other and begin to express it through kissing and touching, the urge to have sex can often become overwhelming. This means that Alyssa and her boyfriend need to agree on some basic relationship rules. For example, they might decide never to be alone in a private place where they might be tempted to go beyond kissing. Or they might agree that certain kinds of touching are off-limits. While the details might be different, the idea is for both of them to agree on the way they will interact before they are overwhelmed with desire.
The second approach is for Alyssa to set boundaries without her boyfriend’s agreement. She has the right to say no anytime she feels uncomfortable. In this situation she runs the risk of continuing to fight with her boyfriend and possibly having the relationship end, but it may be her only option if he refuses to set boundaries together. Some quick tips that Alyssa can use in setting limits include: 1. Practice saying no in advance. She should think about the common pressure lines that guys use when they want to go further, such as “Everybody’s doing it” or “If you really love me, you’ll do it,” and practice how she will respond. (Better yet, practice her responses with someone else.) 2. Be confident. She should be firm in setting her limits and follow through by repeating those boundaries until he gets the point. 3. Don’t change or compromise boundaries—that’s the fastest way for Alyssa to give the message that she can be worn down or persuaded to do more. 4. Leave the situation if the pressure gets too high and her answer isn’t respected. Alyssa will rarely need to do this more than once to make her point clear.
Bottom line: if Alyssa doesn’t want to have sex with her boyfriend, she does not have to. Sex is not a proof of her love or a test of her commitment in a relationship. No one should ever try to make someone feel as if they are doing something wrong by wanting to abstain.
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Curt VanderWaal, M.S.W., Ph.D., is chair and professor of social work at Andrews University, where he has taught since 1990. He is also associate director of the Center for Policy Research at the Institute for Prevention of Addictions. He teaches classes in drug and alcohol addiction and treatment, group therapy, and values and ethics.
Curt likes travel, skiing, basketball, photography, canoeing, and eating Thai and Indian food. He knows an insane number of pirate jokes, checks e-mail obsessively, and hates squash. |
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