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Victim to Victory
Greg liked Brandon, the older guy he met at the model airplane club. Brandon came to Greg's house to see his models, made friends with Greg's parents, and started inviting Greg to go places with him. Soon he began showing Greg porn movies and talking to him about sex. Greg's feelings became so confused about himself and Brandon that he couldn't concentrate on his school work or enjoy things with friends his own age. When he realized that Brandon had taken advantage of him, Greg grew angry and felt like a victim. What should he do?
Greg has good reason to feel like a victim. In part because Brandon was older, Greg trusted Brandon. However, when an older person exposes a younger person to pornography or sexual conversations, it is a form of sexual abuse, because the younger person can become confused and often doesn’t feel as if he or she has a choice in the matter. Victims of this kind of sexual abuse often feel “dirty” and experience a lot of overwhelming emotions, including guilt, anger, and sadness. They can feel guilty because they may have gotten caught up in the mystery and excitement of sex, but also believe that somehow they are to blame for what happened. However, it is important for Greg to understand that sexual abuse is never the fault of the victim. In addition, although Brandon’s motives for showing Greg the porn movies and talking to him about sex are unclear, it is possible that he was trying to slowly seduce Greg into having sex with him. This possibility only adds to Greg’s confusion and anger. So what should he do?
First, Greg needs to cut off all contact with Brandon. He should avoid Brandon’s attempts to contact or talk with him (including e-mail, text messages, or phone calls) since Brandon is likely to play down the situation and try talking him into continuing their relationship.
Second, Greg needs to find an adult that he can trust, such as his parents, a teacher, or a school counselor, and tell them what happened. Sometimes victims of sexual abuse are afraid to tell anyone because they worry that they will get into trouble. Greg needs to remember that he is not to blame for the situation. A trusted adult will be able to help him talk through his feelings and get him the help that he needs.
Third, Greg needs to realize that pornography is very powerful and that he shouldn’t be surprised if he continues to think about the images he saw. He may even feel tempted to want to see more of these movies or pictures on the Internet. Although such feelings are normal and don’t easily disappear, a good counselor or trusted adult can help him talk through those feelings and help him develop strategies to avoid these images in the future. Ideas to help lower his exposure to sexual images might include activating the pornography controls on any computers he uses in private, avoiding R-rated movies, and deciding ahead of time how he will handle a temptation to view such materials.
Finally, Greg can take steps to keep from being victimized again. His first step is to start hanging out with friends his own age again. If he ever finds himself in a situation in which someone wants to talk to him about sex and he doesn’t feel comfortable, he needs to stop or redirect the conversation. He can do this by asking the person to talk about something else, or he can try to change the topic of the conversation himself. If these strategies don’t work, he needs to find new friends who respect his boundaries.
Sex, when experienced in the context of a marriage, is one of the most beautiful things imaginable. Sadly, sex has been badly distorted by advertizing, abuse, and pornography. By taking back control of his life, Greg can protect himself and heal from his experience.
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Curt VanderWaal, M.S.W., Ph.D., is chair and professor of social work at Andrews University, where he has taught since 1990. He is also associate director of the Center for Policy Research at the Institute for Prevention of Addictions. He teaches classes in drug and alcohol addiction and treatment, group therapy, and values and ethics.
Curt likes travel, skiing, basketball, photography, canoeing, and eating Thai and Indian food. He knows an insane number of pirate jokes, checks e-mail obsessively, and hates squash. |
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