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Reality Check
My friends Tyler, Eric, and Ashley invited me to a party this weekend. I know there will be beer there, but I don’t want to drink. If I don’t drink, though, I’ll look weird. I don’t want to go to the party and be laughed at, but I don’t want to say no and risk losing these friends. What can I do?
OK, let’s start with a reality check. First of all, the vast majority of teens are not regular drinkers. The latest national surveys show that in any given month, only about seven in 100 13-year-olds drink alcohol. That number goes up to about 18 in 100 kids ages 12-17 who drink alcohol in a typical month. That’s somewhat more people, but that still leaves more than 80 percent of all teens who don’t regularly touch the stuff. The bottom line is that you don’t need to feel as if everybody’s doing it when they’re not.
Now let’s deal with the next reality. Some of the kids at that party will be drinking, and you’ve got to figure out how to deal with the situation. You sound as though you’re afraid of being rejected. That’s valid—it’s certainly no fun to be laughed at or blown off for not drinking. It’s also hard to say no when you know that your friends may label you as a loser. On the other hand, no one feels good when they are pressured into doing something they don’t really want to do.
So what should you do? First, be confident in your decision not to drink. Try rehearsing (out loud and with someone else, if possible) what you’ll say before you leave for the party. When someone offers you a drink, stand up straight, look them in the eye, and try such phrases as “No thanks, that’s just not something I do”; “I like to stay in control of my senses”; or “I’m not really fond of hangovers.” Another strategy is to carry around a soft drink and say, “No thanks, I’ve already got my drink.” Generally, if you are confident in your decision not to drink and are able to communicate it clearly, you will be respected, especially if you don’t come across as self-righteous and judgmental of their decision to drink. For example, you might offer to be the designated driver for the evening. Sometimes resisting isn’t easy, but you can do it with practice. The more you try, the easier it becomes to let people know that you aren’t going to give in to their pressure.
And if Tyler, Eric, and Ashley continue pushing you to drink or start making fun of you, you may need to reevaluate the importance of those friendships. Do they truly like and care about you? If so, they shouldn’t pressure you into doing something that makes you uncomfortable. Instead, find friends with similar interests who don’t need alcohol to have a good time. Hanging out with people who like doing similar stuff may help to avoid a situation in which you feel pressured into doing things you don't want to do. In the end you’ll feel better about yourself, knowing that you can make good choices, defend your decisions, and hang out with friends who respect you and your choices.
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Curt VanderWaal, M.S.W., Ph.D., is chair and professor of social work at Andrews University, where he has taught since 1990. He is also associate director of the Center for Policy Research at the Institute for Prevention of Addictions. He teaches classes in drug and alcohol addiction and treatment, group therapy, and values and ethics.
Curt likes travel, skiing, basketball, photography, canoeing, and eating Thai and Indian food. He knows an insane number of pirate jokes, checks e-mail obsessively, and hates squash. |
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